I’m…you know…’northern, northern’

I’m so over pretending insulting me because I’m Northern is ok.

Now I’m not talking about the mocking of accents per say. Sometimes, it’s lols and definitely acceptable.

There are also times when I’ve been to blame, for example, I now accept (9 years after leaving London) that:

1. A)     Tret is not a word
2. B)     ‘Gunna get wrong’ is not a universal expression

I don’t really mind if you assume I’m poor and I’m cool with people shouting ‘BYKER GROVE MAN’ at me. I’d say I was pretty easy going…

But there are some things I’ve experienced that I do not accept. And they’re not, I repeat, not…lols. Alas, when they happened I was too EMBARRASSED to say anything and I should have.

So I’m making amends. Here’s my open letter to you. Perhaps you might understand why my eye began to twitch or at the very least, I’ve been able to say my piece:

• It was my first week of work and you called me a Pit Yacker. I didn’t want to be confrontational, so I wrote this poem for you for Caitlin Moran’s blog. Passive aggressive or what?!
• When you asked, out of interest, what my grandparents liked to eat (WHO ASKS THAT!?!) I replied and you said ‘basically coal miner’s food?’ Yes, I intentionally stabbed my fork a bit too hard into your Pan-Asian cuisine.
• When you said that even though I might be more intelligent than you, people would still assume you’re the intellectual one because of the way I talk – I did internally a) question if you were a Victorian and b) wondered if you meant EQ not just IQ because you sounded like a dickhead.
• When I sat in a meeting, your company proposed the idea that we use ‘the Geordie’s in a call centre’ to explain something complex to customers as “if they can understand it, anyone can” I was insulted. When it was my turn to speak and you detected my Northern twang, my face nearly melted off at your embarrassment.
• When I came over to introduce myself to you and your friend at a party (because you looked like you were both a bit left out in the corner) and you said to your friend, a little too loudly, ‘Yeah she is but she’s a bit of a Chav’ I wanted to cry a little bit.
• When I explained that I didn’t go to private school and you said ‘well obviously. Do they even have private schools up North?’ I wanted to empty my wine glass in your FACE.
• When you said the difference between me and you was that because of your speaking voice you could call the Ivy and get a table for your boss and I couldn’t…I had to bite my tongue because a quick ‘difference is babes, I’ll be having lunch at the Ivy not calling for someone else’ would have made you look, and feel, like THE BERK THAT YOU ARE – and that just isn’t my vibe maaaan.
• When you were slagging off the house of our mutual friend from Sheffield and said she was ‘really Northern’ I tried to point out that my hometown was a lot further North. You said yeah but she’s like ‘Northern, Northern’ I still don’t know what you meant.

It wasn’t through lack of wit, I just didn’t know how else to respond without sounding rude because really, I don’t think you actually intended to make me embarrassed/insulted/eye-twitchy…

This was supposed to be a bit of a funny list but it’s made me a bit sad actually.