Stop rolling your eyes.
Roll up, roll up!
New mamas (and papas) let me save you time.
I shall impart the wisdom of motherhood. You shall forever think of me as the mother-oracle. (Or perhaps as a real JOKER seeing as my motherhood months only total…seven. But everyone has something to contribute, right?)
YOU NEED TWO VERSIONS OF A MESSY BUN
Messy Bun Day – slightly dishevelled but neat with hair pins holding in gentle poofs. Expose a nice bit of fringe where possible (Freshly dry shampooed)
Messy Bun Night/Sunday – use just one bobble for both fringe AND bun. Think the Trunchbull-meets-Men-In-Black. See picture for reference.
FORUM FATIGUE
Forums. Are like rabbit holes of doom and delight. If you feel it, see it or itch it- it’s also happened to someone else. Good for when you need to feel less alone, bad for when you realise seven hours deep into a thread you’ll have to trudge to see the GP anyway.
HA. HA. HA.
Everyone kind of laughs at you and you’re never sure if it’s ‘ha ha ha aren’t you…cute, naive, paranoid, doing it wrong or if it’s a laugh of ‘AHHH, BEEN THERE MY FRIEND’
HELLO, THIS IS MY BIRTH STORY
You can make a new friend by talking solely about your lady bits. TMI always necessary.
HERE’S ANOTHER PICTURE OF MY BABY
You need to quickly seek those people in your life who genuinely care about the most BORING detail of your baby and who don’t make you feel ridiculous when you want to take them to the doctors for small things, you’re sure are nothing. (Hi, Mum!)
GO TO THE DOCTORS
Sometimes small things aren’t nothing. Take them to the doctors and don’t take any shit (but try not to lose it when each medical professional asks ‘so…this is your first baby I take it?)
OH, YOU JUST WAIT!
Don’t listen to parents who fall over themselves to tell you how tiring and stressful having a baby is because although it is those things, it’s also the BEST THING IN THE WORLD. That’s why people keep doing it. Because it’s awesome. Surprise.
WISE MAMA CHAT
This is hard to hear and I’m sorry but even when your baby is a mere 10 days older than someone else’s you will feel like you can impart wisdom like you’re a seasoned expert. It’s perfectly acceptable behaviour because last week is SO much different to this week.
YOU NEED NEW MUM FRIENDS
Because of this rapid rollercoaster through time (combined with inevitable sleep deprivation) a lot of your friends with children simply have no recollection of whether or not their baby went through a ‘sleep transition’ at 6/8/12/15 weeks. So, you need new mum friends.
JUST A THOUGHT
Mum brain is a thing. Prepare to feel a tearful rage if your partner interrupts your train of thought. I think this is also a Dad thing but I forget.
BODYSUIT DYSMORPHIA
Your baby has exited your body in some way and you’re kind of left with a feeling like you’re zipped in to a squishy fat suit that may last…forever?
BABIES ARE NOT ANIMALS
Or robots. Do not expect them to follow the routine you’ve made for them. And printed out. And stuck on the fridge #NapGate
MEANWHILE, BACK IN THE CAVE
There will be a strange amount of references to cave men as a way of suggesting you’re too soft with your baby. Apparently, they did just fine without dummies/cots/bottles/cuddles/paracetamol in ‘the cave’.
OVER AND OVER AND OVER
When you get up to pee in the dark hours of the night it’s ok if you realise you are repeatedly singing ‘ELEPHANTS HAVE WRINKLES’ over and over again. Or maybe it’s not but I’m just going with it.
JUST GO WITH IT
When you want to, just go to bed at 7pm. Give in to ‘imperfection’ and your child’s indifference to wearing a baby grow…again.
IF IN DOUBT, GO OUT
This is actual advice I read from the infamous Mother of Daughters . It’s actually just universal advice – it doesn’t matter if you even have a baby. Feeling tired, weird or just meh? Hit the pavement, breath the fresh air.
BAD CRAIC
Sometimes they’re really boring, especially when they are asleep. Listen to podcasts. There are some good ones here.
DO THINGS WITH INTENT
By this I mean listen to advice, do your research and make your decision. Stick with it and don’t seek constant approval. It’s very hard to do but you’ve got to make decisions and not get carried away with everyone’s opinion.
OOOO, LISTEN TO YOU!
Mum magic is basically women’s intuition Don’t listen to anyone that says, ‘you don’t know your baby yet’. You know them better than the person saying that, that’s for sure.
BOO HOO
Sometimes babies just cry because they’re bored or a bit grumpy or having a bloated day. You know the type of day they’re having.
IT’S TRUE!
Some babies sleep 7pm-7am. I’ve met one in real life.
BREASTFEEDING?
Hello, La Leche League! Join the local Facebook group. Ask lots of questions and feel the (very informed) love from La Leche League leaders and local breastfeeding Mums.
FEED IT
Formula gets a really bad rep. But it actually saves some babies lives. It is not evil juice nor is it failure. Feed your baby.
HOLD ON TO THE TRUTH
My sister said, pretty much whispered, to me that having children is amazing. ‘You’re still you and you still have your life – they’re just in it making it even better. Every morning when you see them it’s like Christmas morning – like oh, yeah! You’re here!’ It’s the best thing anyone has ever said to me about becoming a Mum and the truest.
WATCH OUT
Old people will touch your baby in M&S and there is nothing you can do to stop them if you don’t swerve the pram quick enough. But most of the time they’ll give you some cash too (*probably only up North 🤪) so you can spend it on a posh salad.
SMILE
On that note, be prepared to see pure happiness on the faces of random strangers as they stare at your baby. Children seem to be everyone’s joy, that’s pretty awesome. You can make someone FEEL JOY just by pointing your baby in their direction.
WHAT A GOOD BABY!
Your baby is half nature, half nurture- you might have a ‘good baby’ because you are the best Mum in the world but it’s also because…that’s just the way they are.
SPICE IT UP
Don’t be so quick to judge. But if things are a bit dull and you want to spice up a ‘baby and me’ session ask the question; “So, what does everyone think of Gina Ford method?”
That’s it. That’s all I know. You’re welcome.
Holly Peacock-Goodwin 