So there I am, in Marks and Spencer’s feeling pretty excited about purchasing my first swimming costume in about 10 years.
There are colours and shapes in abundance. Tummy tucking, uplifting, streamling I am going to look AWESOME.
Ok I’ve put on a few pounds recently but in my head M&S would be a safe haven for a costume. They will understand. I am a WOM-MAN and M&S have considered this.
Browsing the options I can’t find my usual size 12 anything “gosh everyone must be a size 12” I think.
Looking first at my usual colour choice of black I think perhaps I should branch out. Everything in the shops seem to be variations of highlighter pen colours anyway. Perhaps i’ll look mega fashionable.
Selecting a bright pink size 10 and a purple size 14 option I stride merrily into the changing room with Beyonce ringing in my head phones.
God I’m so bootylicous. I’m going to look really FAB.
To my shock size 14 doesn’t even cover my boobs.
Ah well. On to Pink size 10.
I step into it, pulling it to my thighs…where the journey ends. Thinking I must have missed a hidden zip somewhere I look at myself in the five surrounding mirrors. No Zip. I’m just bent over, naked in an M&S changing room looking like a piece of ham wrapped in string. Gammon at best. Beyonce is silent.
Cringing, I take a little breath and hand them back to the sales assistant. Ignoring her questions “were they any good?” I’m not sure she could handle the ham metaphor response swimming in my now flattened dream of looking bootylicous in a cossie.
The boyfriend is waiting near the costumes…”Well?” he asks. “No” Is my only reply. As I then resign to getting a more sporty style for my over-sized mammary’s and extended spine. Yes, I have an extra vertebra. I have one option which glides on like a dream. It looks pretty boring but thankfully it’s a far cry from the meaty, fuchsia swim show circa five minutes ago.
Sorted, I’ll just have that one. Maybe I’ll use it more than I first envisaged after observing some new back roll additions from five different viewpoints.
Clothes back on and I’m thinking “yeah ill buy that”. Removing the size 12 hanger I peek inside for the price tag. Whatever it reads I’m going to treat myself!
Inside the label reads £25, Size 18.
I head to the tills in silence. Shops hate me.